Dainashini (SPOIL)
by BlingBling021
Summary: L might have forgiven Light for killing him, but Light never forgave L for dying. [Canonverse (with altered details) and post-canon divergence, L x Light, also sometimes one-sided Ryuk x Light in a strange sort of way.]
1. Awakening I

Title: Dainashini (SPOIL)  
Rating: T [for now]  
Summary: L might have forgiven Light for killing him, but Light never forgave L for dying. Canonverse (with altered details) and post-canon divergence, L x Light, also sometimes one-sided Ryuk x Light in a strange sort of way.  
Warnings: slash, language, not beta'd

Notes: Bits and pieces of this fic have been sitting on my computer for literally years. I'm not sure I'll ever fill in the gaps, but I just found it again and figured I'd post! It is meant to be canonverse with purposefully altered details, but I think I had actually forgotten a lot of the canon details when I wrote this so some of the mismatches in later parts are just...there. Oh well. My bad. Don't question timelines, because you will find no answers~ :D

Please read and review.

 _..._

 _Oh man, I can't believe that you did what they said you did—_ _  
_ _and to this day I've still gotta say that in my mind I question it —_ _  
_ _I wish_ _  
_ _I knew_ _  
_ _what you had meant before you went and left me wondering to just an echo of your voice —_ _  
_ _'Listen...'_

 _..._

It wasn't one of Ryuk's habits, to visit births in the human realm.

The whole event was completely disgusting, in fact, the way mortals expelled offspring from their bodies. The sweat on the mother's face, the bloody mess gushing out of her...the slimy, wrinkled progeny writhing and screaming as its cord was cut...the terror on the father's face at this final, undeniable proof that his responsibilities had just increased tenfold... No, there was nothing at all that was even slightly desirable about observing such an event.

And yet, here he was.

It was an instinctual thing, really. Ryuk had always been drawn to the unusual and interesting, even subconsciously.

The pale, fragile thing popped out, messy and loud and flailing around. It was still safe at this point, still anonymous and toxic, life so raw and new that no shinigami was yet allowed to touch it. Ryuk's bulbous yellow eyes watched the chaos that ensued, the monitors that beeped and the humans that shrieked and the lights that flashed.

 _"We're losing her! Get her husband out of here! Someone get that baby in an incubator! Move people, MOVE! She's dying!"_

The shinigami left the woman disinterestedly, for with a glance over her head he knew she would be dead within the hour, and followed the child as it was rushed down the hall in a machine.

Ryuk wasn't sure what it was about this baby that was pulling him, that had him so curious, but death gods do not question their instincts.

A few hours later the stabilized baby was swaddled up in the nursery, thumb in his mouth, a little bundle of life in a long row of many others. Its eyes were huge and dark, flecked with gray and shining like mirrors.

It stared at Ryuk like it could see him.

Ryuk stared back, watching, waiting, until finally a red light began to shimmer over the tiny baby's head. Flickers condensed into Roman alphabet letters, twisting and shifting, numbers glittering and ticking and changing until the thread of fate was tied and this little bundle, this human, had a name and a life span.

 _L Lawliet._

Ryuk grinned his shark's smile. L Lawliet, now officially mortal and vulnerable, went to sleep.

 _..._

 _L doesn't like looking at that boy. Going about his perfect little life with his perfect grades and perfect looks and perfect manners. L thinks he might even hate him a little._

 _L's job is to watch him, but he needn't work very hard not to_ see _him because there are ten other monitors in front of his face and sixty-four available angles and all the images are a bit fuzzy anyway._

 _L infiltrates his school as easily as he has infiltrated his life, and he watches but doesn't_ look _because he doesn't want to or need to or have to, except when he does because Light has turned around to stare him straight in the eyes._

 _L has never looked away since._

 _..._

A few years later, according to human measurements of time, Ryuk felt the pull again.

It was stronger this time.

This birth was much quieter; there were no complications, no frantic beeping and screeching and panic. There was only peace and joy as the child was cleaned and placed in the outstretched arms of its mother, smiling and gurgling and twitching its limbs experimentally.

The nurse said something and Ryuk's brain quickly flipped through its store of dialects, matching the sounds and nuances of her speech to a language that was then immediately integrated into the death god's thought processes.

Japanese.

"—chosen a name for him yet?"

The husband beamed down at his wife, who was glowing with maternal content and cooing at her son, running a soft finger over his cheek. "Yes, Sachiko picked the name. We're going to call him Raito, spelled with the character for 'moon.'"

The nurse smiled and nodded knowingly. "Ah, an English word. It sounds very beautiful; what an excellent choice!" Then she copied something down onto some documents, and the familiar red mist began to twinkle and congeal over the baby's head.

As Ryuk stood, gazing down at the bright and curious eyes of Yagami Light, he felt his Death Note burn against his leg.

In that moment, he knew.

He knew that one day the healthy, happy, innocent boy before him would be no more. He knew that this Raito, this Light, was going to lose himself in boredom, in despair, in pain and manipulation and eyes that shone like mirrors.

This little human was going to lose himself in a notebook.

Ryuk sat back to watch, and to wait.

 _..._

 _"My mother died giving birth to me," L says casually. The clacking of Light's fingers on his keyboard freezes as their owner stiffens, but does not turn._

 _Light's hair blocks his eyes._

 _"I was raised by my father until I was four," L continues, directing his words at the ceiling, "but he never really took a liking to the task. He always thought I was…well, he always thought there was something wrong with me. I think he blamed me for killing my mother."_

 _Light hasn't moved a muscle. L cocks his head, continuing to monologue at his immobile suspect._

 _"I never got the feeling he loved me a great deal, as far as I can recall. One morning he hugged me before I left for preschool and told me that my mother might have loved me very much. I wondered why he used the word 'might' instead of 'would,' but I never did get to ask him."_

 _L is balancing marshmallows on a spoon, and the tower is wobbling and wobbling._

 _"When I got home that afternoon, you see, the house was in flames. They found my father's remains inside it. One hour later, I met Watari."_

 _T_ _he whole investigation room is quiet by that point. No one on the team knows what to do, what to say, especially when L looks so nonchalant about the whole thing. Or maybe it is because they all know that if anyone has any idea what to say, it's Light._

 _The silence grows into tension, thickening the air with anxiousness, curiosity, suspense. They wait for almost one whole excruciating minute, and then…_

 _And then the clacking of keys under Light's fingers resumes without a single word._

 _..._

L Lawliet and Yagami Light grew up a world away from each other, each the star of his own surroundings and each always feeling half empty, like there was a hole somewhere there should not have been.

Ryuk was there through it all; he watched them when they finally met, when they talked, when they recognized that gravity was never going to let them stop orbiting each other.

Ryuk watched when Light laughed and brushed against L for too long, when Light grit his teeth against his feelings at night, when Light screamed his lungs out.

Ryuk watched L fall from his chair, and he watched Light leap to catch the body.

Ryuk watched Light fall from glory, from sanity, watched Light lapse into the silent grin of death.

Ryuk watched Light's chest give a violent spasm as his heart beat for the final time…

And Ryuk watched as Light awoke to a gray expanse of dust and ash stretching in all directions, opened his mouth in a demonic howl of rage and fury, and wheeled around to face his former possessor with murder in his eyes.

 _..._

 _Thick eyebrows, white with age and wisdom, descend to their owner's_ _be_ _spectacled eyes in a gaze that is both sad and serious._

 _"L, would you miss him?"_

 _A shuddering breath, the rough sound immediately registered and analyzed by sharp, wizened ears. Scared? Excited?_

Lying.

 _"No."_ _  
_

 _..._

For Light to have ever met L, there had to be extreme circumstances. There had to be hatred, there had to be exploitation, there had to be pain.

There had to be a notebook.

Ryuk wishes Light would understand that.

 _..._

TBC.


	2. Awakening II

Title: Dainashini (SPOIL)  
Rating: T (will go up to M in the future)  
Summary: L might have forgiven Light for killing him, but Light never forgave L for dying. Canonverse (with altered details) and post-canon divergence, L x Light, also sometimes one-sided Ryuk x Light in a strange sort of way.  
Warnings: SLASH, LANGUAGE, not beta'd

Notes: The non-italicized parts are mostly in chronological order, though what's happening to L starts happening years earlier than what's happening to Light. The italicized parts are NOT in any chronological order whatsoever; some occur in the past before Light died, some occur in the present after Light died, go with whatever the context is. Also, this is the only other part that's done before everything is scattered all over the place…sooo we'll see what happens with posting updates! ^^;;

All I want for Christmas is…feedback. ㅋㅋㅋ

…

 _Now I wait to take my turn to bleed_

 _like a kid playing with a razorblade,_

 _and wonder if I have the balls at all_

 _or am I gonna be afraid…?_

 _Where are you?_

 _What do you think? Cuz I'm not sure when knocking at death's door if I will be welcome in or be_

 _left alone outside…_

…

The first few days had been…unpleasant, to say the least.

Being shot to death hadn't done anything for Light's notoriously bad temper, nor his OCD, and after a truly spectacular display of screaming and raging and violence, the former Kira had decided to give Ryuk the silent treatment like a fourteen-year-old girl. It only served to be a lot more funny than Light probably intended.

Ryuk noted idly that Light was the first human he'd ever seen march straight up to the nearest shinigami and demand to be taken to the "no-good maggot running this rotting hell-hole of a place." Out of sheer surprise, and with a surreptitious glance at a snickering Ryuk, the death god had pointed Light in the right direction.

"That way. Walk."

Soon after Light set off, he had politely asked Ryuk to "stop fucking following me." Of course, coming from someone who was bitchy even at the best of times, the command went unheeded.

They walked and walked through miles of waste, never stopping, in a silence that was resigned and somehow comfortable when by all means it should have been anything but. Other death gods stared at them as they passed, muttering and pointing. Neither Light nor Ryuk gave a damn.

There was no fatigue here, or hunger, or thirst. Only movement. Forward. Onward. Step by step by step.

Until suddenly, after hours _(days, weeks)_ of silence, Light was talking. He was talking and talking and Ryuk listened and listened, about Near and Mello and Takada and Misa and Mikami ("Where the _fuck_ is Mikami?!"). Light talked about power and weakness and mechanical pencil lead, about ink and blood and rain on metal. Light talked about his father. And after hours and hours, the fact that Light refrained from talking about the one person he had been _thinking_ about the whole time became painfully obvious in its absence.

Ryuk didn't goad or provoke him, but instead just waited for the name he knew would inevitably pass those lips. _T_ _hose wonderful lips and that wonderful voice and th_ _os_ _e wonderful lungs of Yagami Light_ _,_ they would all share in creating the sound of the name that would haunt him forever.

Ryuk watched Light walk and walk, sometimes cursing and sometimes contemplating and sometimes asking things. Ryuk would answer, make the right noises at the right times, not caring too much what Light was doing or saying because it didn't matter. The smile on Ryuk's face was finally real again. Through it all, through heartbreak and defeat and death, Light was still the brilliant manipulative bastard that he had always been. Light was still Ryuk's favorite.

Ryuk smiled because finally finally, after all these years of waiting, he really had found the best.

(The first time Light tried to say ' _Ryuuzaki_ ,' he choked.)

…

"… _and it's just so not fair! Why does that weird, gross, no-good pervert get to sleep in the same bed with Light every night while_ Misa _, his_ girlfriend _, barely gets to see him at all?!"_

 _Rem looked on calmly as Misa continued to rant and rage at the empty room in general. This tantrum wasn't_ _an_ _uncommon occurrence._

" _I mean," the blonde model continued hysterically, "what if that rotten molester_ tries _something?! What if Ryuuzaki cuddles with Light while he's sleeping and Light doesn't know about it?! What if…" Misa's pupils contracted in horror, "what if that pervert_ kisses _Light?!"_

 _Rem sighed and tilted her head thoughtfully. "Misa, stop worrying about things like that. L will never kiss Light." And as Misa kept right on worrying and wailing in the background, Rem turned to gaze out the window, into a night sky that was dark and inky and held a bright, waxing moon._

 _Written 'moon,' pronounced 'Light.'_

' _No,' Rem mused silently to herself, 'L will never kiss Light…because L doesn't know what he would do if Light didn't kiss him back.'_

…

L woke to the sound of screaming.

Voices voices voices all around, yelling and chattering and cursing in every language the detective knew (and many more that he didn't). Black mirror orbs opened, staring blankly up from a skinny, pale body stretched out upon the ground.

At first, L didn't move a muscle. He laid paralyzed, mind empty, vision empty…not seeing or thinking, only hearing and being.

Being.

Slowly, out of habit, his diaphragm contracted to create a negative pressure pocket. Hot, dusty, stale air rushed into his lungs, searing his trachea and causing his entire body to spasm in a burst of pain.

 _Fuck_.

The screaming seemed to get louder as everything came rushing back and hit him like a ton of bricks, the flashing of the lights and the yells of the team and the warmth of Light's arms and the ice of Light's grin.

 _Kira._

L's body felt as if it were on fire, burning burning burning with betrayal and hatred and sorrow. _I knew it would end like this, I knew he was Kira, I knew we could never_ _be_ _—_

It takes a long moment for L to realize that the most piercing scream in his ears is emanating from his own mouth.

…

" _L, this is what you've been working toward for months," Watari stated patiently, albeit a bit snappily._

" _I am fully aware of that fact, thank you Watari," L quipped back, barely sparing the older man a glance as his spindly hands flew across the keyboard in front of him. Watari did not attempt to hold his tongue in check after the pseudo-reprimand._

" _If you know this, then I do not understand what you could possibly be doing. All the pieces are in place, we have only to await the call of confirmation. I'm positive that this government will agree to our experiment. The call will undoubtedly arrive in a few hours." Rain pounded the windows. Light was asleep in their bed upstairs, unaware of L's absence from the other end of the handcuffs._

" _This impending phone call is precisely the reason why I am rather pressed for time at the moment," L told his caretaker annoyedly, "and I would appreciate some space." Watari was silent for a long minute, listening to the rapid tapping of keys and beeping of programs being executed, emails being sent. In the end, his curiosity won out over his manners._

" _L, what are you_ doing? _"_

 _The frantic noises paused, and L finally turned to look at him. Those normally dead eyes were so blazing that Quillish Whammy almost took a step back, shocked by their sheer intensity. L grit his teeth and turned back to the computer._

"I'm saving that bastard."

…

Mogi was even more quiet and sullen than usual for weeks after the warehouse incident.

Matsuda didn't smile for a whole month.

Aizawa told himself that letting the whole episode affect him in any way would be the last thing he was going to do. So when he visits Yagami Soichiro's grave to put flowers on it, he uses every ounce of control he possesses to keep himself from spitting on the headstone next to it…the stone with the lie, _Kira's_ lie, engraved upon it.

 _Yagami Light – Beloved Son and Brother_.

Empty empty words and not the truth, not what the world should be allowed to know, not what makes Aizawa's teeth grind and fists clench and shoulders shake, not the reason Yagami Soichiro is dead.

 _Yagami Light – Hated Liar and Betrayer._

 _Yagami Light – Murderer._

…

That evening as Yagami Soichiro was exiting the bathroom, he was immediately and wordlessly redirected to an upstairs office by a calm Watari, who turned to regard him as soon as the door was safely shut behind them. Raising a grey-streaked eyebrow, Chief Yagami waited patiently for an explanation, and his companion wasted no time in giving one.

"L might be a bit uncomfortable with the notion of my having the following conversation with you, so I think it would be best if neither of us allude to it in the future," the guardian of the greatest detective in the world stated calmly.

" _Agreed," Soichiro replied, his other eyebrow joining the first near his receding hairline._

" _Excellent. Now, as you are well aware, tomorrow is a very important day. Should the capture of Higuchi be successful, your son will be cleared of suspicion and released from L's custody." Yagami opened his mouth, presumably to proclaim something about Light's innocence, but Watari politely held up a hand to cut him off. "If events should proceed in this desirable manner, however, that means that our association with the Japanese Police Force will be dutifully terminated until further notice."_

 _When Watari did not offer anything further for a few seconds, the chief cleared his throat. "Yes, I am well aware that this will be the case. We will all go back to our regular jobs, of course."_

 _Watari smiled kindly. "I'm afraid that you are not seeing my point._ _W_ _hen our proximity with your team ends, so does L's proximity with Light." Yagami blinked, and something strange flickered across his expression. Quillish Wammy understood the nameless emotion perfectly. "To be honest, Yagami-san…well, I do not think that either will take the separation lightly now that they have become so…involved with each other. There is a very good chance that L will ask Light to abandon his studies and take up a position as his partner in justice."_

 _Soichiro sighed. "…Yes. Yes, this has occurred to me before." Still smiling that wise, kind smile, Watari put a hand on the other man's shoulder._

" _As the one who has watched L grow up, who has been the closest thing to a father he has ever had, I…Yagami-san, this is the first time Ryuuzaki has known true rivalry, true companionship, true affection from one of his peers. I do not wish to see him have to give that up."_

 _Yagami Soichiro didn't know what to say. It was uncomfortable, yes, because the police chief had good enough intuition to have picked up the slight undercurrents that made Light's relationship with L a little stronger than usual._ _He_ _had several suspicions about what the two did during their alone time. However, he was Light's father and instinctively wanted his son to be happy._

 _Soichiro_ _had never seen Light as happy as when he was with L._

 _And, though he did not like the notion of Light abandoning his formal education…he couldn't see any way he could ever be more proud of his son as it was._

"… _As long as they want to put up with each other, I will raise no objections." Yagami smiled back slightly, and Watari's eyes twinkled._

" _Thank you."_

…

She had cried, a little.

Who wouldn't? She was merely a normal human and Near did not fault her for it, given what a stressful endeavor she was in the midst of being subjected to.

(He himself had cried. Once.)

She was very pretty.

Of course, _he_ had been the most inhumanly beautiful thing on the planet, so why should his partner in flesh and blood be any less?

She was quiet now, staring at him in a way that was hostile and a bit frightened and somehow…sad. The funeral had ended hours ago, but she still hadn't made a sound, both of them standing together and alone above the fresh grave.

He cocked his head to the side.

"You should not linger here any longer, Yagami Sayu," Near told her quietly. "Yagami Soichiro would not want to see you suffering, and neither would…" A lump in his throat, making him pause. _Damnit_. "…neither would Yagami Light."

He had said the name many times, in many tones, and still he could not suppress the spasm of hatred that coursed through his body.

Yagami Light is NOTHING. He is a criminal, a murderer, a liar, a snake and god L what the HELL were you thinking?

"He wouldn't have cared all that much."

The voice was so gentle, so soft and feminine and unlike anything he was used to hearing that he almost didn't catch it. He turned back to look at her again.

"Who?" he asked, and her glare and the sadness in it intensified.

"Light. He wouldn't…" she hesitated, "he never put that much stake in me. If he absolutely had to, he would've let me die." Sayu's eyes were clouded. "You know this…you just didn't think that I knew it too."

Pretty, and insightful. Was he underestimating her? No, he didn't think so.

 _She was his flesh, yes, but she was only his shadow._

"I'm sorry," he told her, not because he was sorry for her at all, but because he thought that if he himself had been less than he was, more like her, that he would want an apology from somewhere as well.

The pain spiked again as he looked at her face, saw the similarities and differences to _his_ face, _his_ mask, only there was no mask on her because she was a victim and she was a shadow and she did not need one to be happy.

 _Did HE make you happy, L? Did he make you feel EVERYTHING? Everything that you never felt for me, for any of us, while we loved you and adored you and wanted nothing more than to be just like you?_

"I know why you're being so nice to me." Her voice again, soft and bitter and accusatory and he suddenly wanted to gag her so she wouldn't say anything else.

He met her eyes, black mirrors against caramel pools and…oh god, she _knew._ She knew and she was going to say it out loud, she knew and _how did she know when she didn't know anything about him or L or anything they had ever been for each other—?_

"L would've let you die, too, if he absolutely had to."

Boom. He was two, on the floor with a block set. Mello knocked it down and L helped him build it back up again.

"You feel sorry for me because I'm in the exact same position that you were."

 _Boom boom_. _He was five and he had never seen L have a relationship, but L said it didn't matter because so many things were more important than that kind of love._

"There was something else, _someone_ else, higher on his list of priorities than you, and that hurts. I understand."

His memories were exploding at his feet, L was smiling and naming HIM as his heir and falling out of his chair and dying in HIS arms and shards were flying and cutting things open that he had sewn shut forever and ever and ever—

His body moved of its own accord, under no conscious control as he arose and crossed the small distance between them, raising his arm to strike her as he approached. Her body tensed but she didn't raise a hand to protect herself, staring at him with those eyes that were _not his, not his eyes but oh so close and if they were his eyes Near would want to gouge them out but L would never have let anyone touch his eyes because they were HIS and HE was all that mattered to L in the end—_

His arm went limp. He hid his eyes from her, not crying ( _he was done crying for L_ ) but not collected enough to let her see them, either, when somehow she had already seen too much. Near took a shuddering breath, and was startled when her fading scent tickled his nostrils. He felt his pulse stutter, and knew it was time to go.

He turned and left without another word, not looking back but feeling her gaze on him until he was out of her sight. As he called Lester to pick him up, he silently vowed never to think of this broken family again.

After all… L had fallen in love with Yagami Light.

Near wasn't going to take any chances with Yagami Sayu.

…

" _I'm not Kira."_

 _The foot smacked his jaw with amazing force, snapping his head back on his neck, quickly followed through by the sickening crack of a bony elbow in his ribs. Light saw static for a few moments, enough time for L to fully tackle him and pin his body to the floor, straddling his stomach and trapping his wrists above his head. Light hissed in fury, struggling and bucking against a deceptively thin body that was currently taut with livid strength above him._

 _L's face was shoved inches above his own, bottomless black eyes glowing with intensity as a snarl twisted his lips. "You are Kira, and I will prove it," the detective hissed acidly, tightening his knees around Light's thighs and pressing his hips even more roughly against Light's abdomen._

" _Hah," Light half laughed, half gasped as he felt the firm heat between L's legs, even through his jeans. Something red glimmered in the depths of amber eyes as he sneered back into Ryuuzaki's contorted face, mouth open as he panted. "I'm not Kira. You'll never prove it."_

 _A growl welled up in L's throat, deep and guttural, and he leaned down even further. Pale skin brushed white teeth as L dipped his lips to whisper straight into Light's open mouth, expelling hot breath and god Light's pants were tight, eyelids were heavy—_

" _If you keep lying, Yagami Light," L breathed, the heated air around them swirling with tension and hatred and desire, "I'm going to destroy you."_

 _Light's eyes blazed up at him through their lashes, dark with lust and rage and something…unhinged. L's vision started to blur as need swelled up and engulfed him in the desire to_ fuck _Light, fuck him straight through the floor, a desire that he had been suppressing for so, so long—_

 _With a humongous effort, the detective wrenched himself away from his captive and slammed the door behind him as he stalked out of the room. Light lay there for a long moment, staring blankly up at the ceiling, before groaning and cursing and heaving himself up to take a long cold shower, a familiar voice whispering_ "kill him" _in the back of his head._

…

The sunset is glowing like his beautiful face when they were let out of confinement, the city is sparkling like the LED monitor lights that forever glittered in his caramel eyes, the breeze is warm and sweet like his breath when they made love. Everything is perfect.

As the ground rushes to meet her in a whirlwind of colors, Misa giggles a little and thinks of Rem.

Maybe this is what it feels like to fly.

…

TBC.


End file.
